'BACK FROM THE BRINK'
BY John Allin
Pause for a moment and consider the blackness that is anxiety. Not the anxiety with a lower case a’ that might just be a passing feeling of despondency about a geography SAC or a looming exam.
This is Capital A Anxiety - complete with underscores so heavy that they tear paper and leave the tabletop scratched and the student feeling so angry that she wants to stab herself in the head. It’s the kind of anxiety that deals the adolescent so much grief over a protracted period of time that every single second of her life is affected.
It happened to Ali. Big time. Her story would make a book. But she wants to tell part of it in the hope that other students who experience the same kind of pain as she did will take comfort – and even find relief from the anguish that became an anxiety quagmire, destabilising her young life.
In particular Ali wants to tell people about the rainbow that pushed aside the blackness when she began meditation sessions with family therapist and author Pauline McKinnon.
We are chatting in the family living room and the sun is streaming in from across the courtyard. It’s one of those iced tea, lazy summer days. Ali, barefoot and wearing smart jeans and a teeshirt, is sitting on the couch with her legs tucked beneath her. No one could possibly imagine what this fair-haired, bright-eyed, effervescent 18-year-old with the pretty face and cheeky grin has been through.
"I had been so troubled, in much mental anguish," says Ali, her eyes betraying just a trace of sadness. The doctors had done the best possible job ameliorating the depression but she had reached a plateau. It was anxiety that needed to be seriously addressed and perhaps some other kind of help was now necessary. She had heard of Pauline McKinnon and soon Ali was in talking with Pauline at the Life Development Centre in Kew.
"When I first started Pauline’s meditation I remember saying to myself: ‘This is like heaven on earth’. She is the most amazing person, full of warmth and calm.
“Anxiety had come to dominate every part of my being and it lived with me 24 hours a day,” she says. “My life was severely limited by the intense nervousness and insecurity that I constantly felt. I often became overwhelmed in public situations when I was surrounded by too many things, too many people and too many targets for analysis. Supermarkets, shopping malls, or busy streets were no-go zones. Mental overload and worry became my frequent night-time companions, and restlessness and insomnia caused me enormous distress.
“The problem was that I had no escape. For quite some time the only release I had was through drugs – sleeping pills to knock myself out and save me from self-harm and anti-anxiety pills to help me get through the days.”
Ali became dependant on the drugs - that was, until her doctor suggested meditation and she found release through the work of Pauline McKinnon.
"With Pauline I felt really, really safe," Ali says. “To find that quietness through stillness meditation was the most incredible thing and I think it has saved my life. It has given me control of myself."
So who exactly is Pauline McKinnon? Ask the people she has helped over the past 23 years and their answers will range from miracle worker to guardian angel to "the therapist who could help when others had given up or failed". And her practice, which amazingly receives no government support, was born from personal experience.
Her own nightmare began one day in 1967 when, stuck in heavy traffic and running late for an appointment, she was seized by a deathly feeling of unreality. Her anxiety intensified as giddiness, nausea, blurred vision, numbness and palpitations took hold. Hyperventilating and convinced that she was dying, she managed to park the car and stumble into a store where friendly shoppers came to the rescue and helped her home.
In fact Ms McKinnon had suffered a panic attack and it was the start of an eight-year stretch of agoraphobic misery. Despite being severely limited by her condition she managed to raise a family while on a medical merry-go-round, seeking relief from many therapists. The turning point came in 1974 when she met eminent Melbourne psychiatrist Dr Ainslie Meares who was pioneering his unique style of meditation.
Ms McKinnon began Stillness Meditation with Dr Meares and the response was swift. Her anxiety diminished, her symptoms disappeared and, in turn, she overcame agoraphobia. After eight years she had found a specialist who not only had a deep understanding and insight into human emotions but who also empowered people to regain control through resting the mind.
Little was publicly known about anxiety disorders in those years and Ms McKinnon became determined to put her personal struggles to positive use. She told her story in her own book, In Stillness Conquer Fear. First published in 1983, it was an immediate success and the first book of its kind, bringing to public awareness the matter of anxiety as a problem within society. Later training in family therapy, Ms McKinnon became a professional therapist through being an anxiety victim.
A variety of treatments are available today for anxiety disorders. However, from more than 30 years’ personal and professional experience Ms McKinnon offers a different understanding and a unique and powerfully effective skill that has stood the test of time.
Her patients for meditation or counseling are from all walks and for all kinds of reasons: adolescents like Ali, high profile business men and women, teachers, actors, lawyers, doctors, those dealing with serious illness, students and young children.
Ms McKinnon believes changing values and the scarcity of peace and quiet are all contributors to the stress and anxiety we see today.
"Ainslie Meares was a doctor ahead of his time," she said. "It is wonderful to help people pull
themselves up out of the depths of despair through the ideas that he pioneered.
Ali agrees. “Dr Meares’ book is like a bible to me and is exactly what its title - Relief without Drugs - suggests and Pauline is the person who passionately carries on his fundamental beliefs. Her counselling and meditation has helped to turn my life around,” Ali says.
Ali believes anxiety and depression are now behind her, and she has enrolled in an exciting course at college. She attributes change in her life to Pauline McKinnon, Dr Ainslie Meares, her mum and her family. And another important player: herself.
“There is only a certain amount that others can do for you, and it is important for fellow sufferers of depression and anxiety to acknowledge the importance of wanting to be well and wanting to help yourself.
“Now a whole new world has opened up. Meditation, spiritual growth and personal development have grown to be a very important part of my life. And I have never felt so good simply about being me. I encourage other students to embark on their own journey too. It’s an amazing feeling when you take control of your own life and start discovering who you really are."
© John Allin, 2006
The Pauline McKinnon Life Development Centre is located at 146-150 Harp Road, Kew.
Phone (03) 9817 2933 or visit www.lifedevelopmentcentre.com
Pauline’s book, In Stillness Conquer Fear is available through the website above or in all good bookstores.
Edited from an article published in Education Eye magazine, March 2006
